*** I wanted to post this old writing as a constant reflection that this community is an answered Prayer from God.***
For the first time in my life, I feel like I have a clean slate, and I don’t know what to do with it. On one hand, it feels like a curse because I feel so lost and confused about what I want to do with it. I don’t want to waste it on foolishness, and that sort of makes me anxious. But on the other hand, it feels like a blessing that only God Himself can give us through His wisdom and understanding. Still, that doesn’t come without some pain and loneliness.
Yet I have so many ventures I want to pursue that my heart burns to go the distance and aim high. One of my thoughts is: What will become of my writings? Will they go to my son? I surely hope he reads them one day when he is older. I do enjoy my writings, and I’ve noticed that even though I wrote most of them within this last year, looking back on them gives me so much courage.
And I want to start a blog. I really do want to bring that to life. I feel that maybe someone out there may need these writings just as I do from time to time. I love documenting my journey, and I actually started my YouTube videos back up. I hope they reach someone, somewhere, someday, too.
But I have noticed that my love for God is getting stronger. He has become my air. I don’t want to let Him go. I feel as if I did, I’d fall completely apart. He holds my whole life together, especially now.
I can’t lie: I’m truly hurt that my relationship with my mom is so chaotic. But honestly, I realize now how toxic we both were for each other, especially in this season. As I uncover my pain and hurts, I want to share them with her, not as judgment, but as the things I never got a chance to say about what hurt me.
I’m not really big on talking, and I never have been. I always buried my hurts deep within me, never showing the world my scars. I hid them. I didn’t want the world to see that I was hurting, but I was. For the first time in my life, I can’t help but feel it. I feel as if I have to. If I want to go forward, I have to confront it all.
And I must admit that right now, it’s just painful because I realize that I’ve pushed people away my whole life. At times, I wonder why. What makes me choose this way?
I think back to when I was a kid and realize I’ve always loved God. Not just the idea of Him, but Him: the way He was and the things He could do if we just believed. My favorite movies as a kid were The Prince of Egypt and Joseph the Dreamer. I don’t know what drew me to Him back then, but maybe it was His moral character. I love that about Him: how He was always compassionate and how He could move even the least of people. And I wondered: What if that could be me, leading people and helping them find a better way?
I never wanted to speak evil or be harsh. I didn’t want to be obnoxious or rude, but I realize these were all things I thought about my mom. I didn’t like her ways. I never wanted to end up like that. But in trying to avoid that, I guess I just never spoke up.
I was afraid to speak up or say anything because I didn’t want to be on the receiving end of her backlash. I witnessed it with my older siblings and anyone who said something she thought was out of line or disagreed with.
But I wondered: Did my mother know that her very words were what ripped my heart apart? I try to tell myself that maybe I deserved it at times, but the words she hurt me with crawl through my thoughts time and time again: “Bitch,” “I hate y’all kids,” “You will never amount to anything.” The list just goes on.
I wished she’d just love me in a “mothering” way. But this last time really showed me that she may never do that, or perhaps not in this season. I did receive that love from my dad, although he is gone. He showed me a love that I didn’t know I had until he was gone, and that makes my heart hurt more. That saying is true: You don’t know what you have until it’s gone.
It was a godly love. God has that type of comfort, compassion, and love. But God is without gender, so that form of love is not limited to male or female. Now I see that love is what keeps us growing and thriving. It’s a love that we all look for in things, people, and our careers.
It’s that type of love that raises a man from death: Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior. He gave His life so that we could see a living example of that type of love for a people who hadn’t quite seen it. And so He leads us back to that form of love through His life and teachings. We just have to follow the way.
And I love them both for that and for their sacrifices. I know that was no easy task, but Jesus held to His conviction until death. There’s so much power and life in that. Even in dying, He never strayed from it. And because of that, we still sing His name today.
And so He lives to resurrect all who hear His name and follow. He said His sheep know His voice. Well, I must be one of those sheep who strayed from Him. And even though I’ve gone a long way, when I heard His voice, I couldn’t help but stop and wake up. I mean, in my spirit, I woke up.
Spiritually, I had been dead a long time. Lol, I’m only 29, but I don’t think that spirit had ever been awakened in me, so it must be a rebirth with the Holy Spirit. They say that Jesus baptizes with the Holy Spirit, while man only baptizes with water. But water baptism is symbolic of the death and resurrection of Jesus. It’s symbolic of us dying to our earthly ways and rising as spiritual beings.
In a way, we do become spiritual beings. We become alive with the Holy Spirit, doing the works of God on earth. But that doesn’t come right away. It’s a journey, and I remember how Jesus told His disciples to wait in Jerusalem until He sent His Helper. It takes patience.
But they knew when the Holy Spirit entered them. They became powerful and emboldened by Him. They were doing works and healings just as Jesus did. And I want to be a part of that. I believe that was the way I was as a kid. Every time I watched The Prince of Egypt or Joseph the Dreamer, I’d think, “Man, I want to be like that. I wish I could do something like that, too.”
That is a desire deeply rooted in me. I can’t shake it. I always come back to it. It must be from God. But right now, I’m not sure how or what He is going to do, though it must be important to His people.
I think of that dream often. All of them, actually, but the one that makes me curious is the one where I dreamed I heard God’s voice say, “Go and tell My people I am coming.” And I’m like Moses: I get tongue-tied when I talk about God. People will look at me like I’m crazy. But I know that’s something I have to overcome. For right now, I love writing about Him. I have to get it out some way, somehow.
Knowledge has definitely increased in our time, so the internet is a very powerful tool. It can be used for a lot of good, but for bad, too. In so many ways, media has become our modern way of publicly lynching one another: expose them, make a mockery of them. So much so that people have shrunk back, trying to keep up an image that things are great when, actually, we are all falling apart somewhere inside.
We judge each other so critically that our ordinary pains turn to hatred. It shows up everywhere: in the way we gossip and do “petty” things toward each other. We enjoy it. We love to see it, and we feed on it. I was that way, too. What better way to distract yourself from your own pain than by feeding off someone else’s?
But now I hate it. At times, I wonder if I’m being judgmental, yet I feel that underneath it, they’re just in pain, and their hatred and anger are symptoms. That makes me want to help. But it feels like I can’t. I say that about my mother, and that’s another thing that hurts me.
I just wanted to show her love without any conditions and let her know that whatever is hurting her, I’m here to listen. But I guess I went about it the wrong way. So I’ll let God step in because, humanly, it’s out of my control. If that’s the way she is choosing to live, I can’t make her choose otherwise, and so I wash my hands of it.
I realize now that maybe, in another way, I just wanted her to love me the way my dad did, in that unconditional way. But maybe that’s just not how she displays her love, so I’ve been focusing on the ways she does, and I’ll embrace that.
I’ll have to accept her as she is, but I still have to look out for myself. I have to love myself enough to keep some space so that I’m not hurt by her ignorance. I know boundaries and space are very necessary, and right now, space is needed. I don’t know for how long, but I know it will allow room for God to move. I trust that He will tell me when it’s time for the season to be over.
And I think that is where my clean slate came from. I never realized how codependent I was on my mom. In trying so hard to gain her approval and lift her up, I lost sight of my own needs. I know she never asked me to take on that responsibility, but I wanted so badly to be there for her and feel close to her that I took it on myself. I can recognize that now without blaming myself for the ways I was hurt. I can love my mother and still choose to care for myself.
So I have this space now to find something for me. Instead of feeling low and depressed about the lack of attention from her, I’ll use the time more wisely, giving it to God and learning how to govern my own thoughts and emotions, with His help, of course.
I thought I should start meditating again. I actually enjoyed that and want to get back to it. I also want to start back up with my stretches. I’m still working on my consistency, but God knows I’m actually getting better at it.
I know that, in time, I’ll look back on this note, remember my journey, and chuckle. I don’t know where I’ll be, but God knows, and so I’ll follow Him. Since I don’t know where I’ll be, I pray that the future version of me finds peace within her being and has discovered the power of her voice.
